Apathy

Yesterday in service, Jason was describing different kind of people that often share a Fear of Failure and one of them was Apathy and it struck a chord with me so today I decided to research it a little bit and see if that is still where I seem to fit and what that means to my walk with Christ.

According to Wikipedia- “Christians have historically condemned apathy as a deficiency of love and devotion to God and 'his works'; this interpretation of apathy is also referred to as Sloth and is listed among the Seven Deadly Sins. Clemens Alexandrinus used the term to draw to Christianity philosophers who aspired after virtue.[1] Macaulay[who?] referred to "The apathy of despair." Prescott[who?] described "A certain apathy or sluggishness in his nature which led him . . . to leave events to take their own course."
"Apathy is one of the characteristic responses of any living organism when it is subjected to stimuli too intense or too complicated to cope with. The cure for apathy is comprehension."
Douglas Hofstadter suggests that, recognizing that the human brain's "ego" is nothing but a construct, no emotion is necessary. Since the realization of the future of an expanding universe, apathy is the only intelligent response. It is in contrast to the contented feeling of self-satisfaction of complacency, driven by the illusion of the "ego".
In a Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences article from 1991, Dr Robert Marin MD claimed that apathy occurs due to brain damage or neuropsychiatric illnesses such as Alzheimer’s, dementia, Parkinson's, or Huntington’s, or else an event such as a stroke. Marin argues that apathy should be regarded as a syndrome or illness.[6]
A review article by Robert van Reekum MD et al. from the University of Toronto in the Journal of Neuropsychiatry (2005) claimed that "depression and apathy were a package deal" in some populations which may help illustrate what people mean when they say that "The opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy."

So according to this, I am condemned by most in the church, partaking of Sloth, I can’t cope, I am depressed, I have a neurological disease, or I might be on the right track because emotion is meaningless.

Okay, looking at this realistically and honestly examining myself- Sloth, sluggishness or laziness, yes. That is actually a big issue for me and has been for a long time so I’ll own up to that one, but I do not believe that I suffer from a deficiency of love and devotion to God. I do believe that I have trouble comprehending the magnitude of God’s love because my emotions are essentially turned off, but I do not lack it. I do love God and He knows it.

Apathy being a by-product of not being able to cope, yes, I’ll own up to that one. I know that when things happen to me too quickly and I don’t have time to look into them that I turn off until I can make the time to examine what’s happening in my head and/or heart. I don’t believe it is as drastic as Shell Shock or PTSD like Wikipedia alluded to, but I will own that I do sometimes have trouble digesting some of the things that go on around me and when that happens I turn off until I can digest.

As for Douglas Hofstadter, I believe he is wrong. I would LOVE to think that I had it right and that all those people throwing feelings around were just not intelligent enough to fully comprehend how the world works. But, alas, it is not so. While I do believe that emotion should never rule over us or dictate our lives, it is an important part of being human. Can emotions be a weakness? Yes, this is probably why Mr. Hofstadter chose to believe that he had obtained a higher form of being. People don’t like weakness and want to distance themselves from it as much as possible. But going so far as to say that having emotions such as contentedness as having ‘ego’ just makes me sad for the man because he couldn’t grasp the complexity of emotions and how they make us who we are.

Neurologically, apathy is probably a symptom for many illnesses and disorders, but it is certainly not limited to them. And while many people suffering depression may experience apathy, I do not believe that the two must coexist. Judging from what I’ve read here, I am fairly apathetic in many ways, but I am not depressed. I’ve been depressed and I know what that feels like and that is not what I feel now.

Dictionary.com defines apathy as: 1) absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement; 2) lack of interest in or concern for things that others find moving or exciting; 3) Also, ap•a•thei•a, ap•a•thi•a  [ap-uh-thee-uh] Stoicism; freedom from emotion of any kind.

I can see myself falling into all three of these categories- 1) I am known to suppress drastic emotions. I don’t like the idea of drawing attention to myself and often feel like displaying passion, excitement, etc, would do just that. I also don’t like explaining myself so if I don’t display any emotion then I don’t have to tell other people why I feel that way. 2) I am very different from most women my age; honestly, I’m very different from most women in general. Because of that, I don’t get excited about things that other people get excited over. I don’t care about going shopping or walking around a mall, I don’t care about clubs or bars or drinks, I’m not interested in dating, so gazing adoringly at supposedly cute guys holds no appeal for me, I’m not interested in clothes or jewelry or make up or hairstyles or love stories or drama, so I just smile and nod when people start talking about these things and go to my happy-place, like the latest book that I’d read. 3) I looked farther into this definition and the way that it explained it was Apatheia is an indifference to events or things that lie outside of one’s control. I have definitely experienced this but I call it something different- peace. When I’m in difficult situations and there is nothing I can do but place them in God’s hand and trust him to get them done, he gives me peace to await the outcome and I can rest calmly in him.

So, this is a long way of saying that I do fall under the ‘Apathetic’ category, but I don’t really know what that means for my walk with Christ. Am I keeping myself from discovering more of his nature by distancing myself from these emotions? I’ve been living this way for a LONG time, probably close to ten years, and I don’t really feel badly about my lack of emotions, mostly because I still have emotions, they just aren’t as drastic as what most people seem to feel, nor are they as evident in my expressions. I don’t ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’ as the expression goes. But is that necessarily a bad thing?

Kings of Israel

Starting this week we are going to be diving into the kings of Israel in the Old Testament! I am really really excited about this study!! To help us along, we will be reading the same chapters and reading through the stories in chronological order! Here is the order we're reading :)

Week 1
1 Samuel 1-3
1 Samuel 4-8
1 Samuel 9-12
1 Samuel 13-14
1 Samuel 15-17

Week 2
1 Samuel 18-20
1 Samuel 21-24
1 Samuel 25-27
1 Samuel 28-31; 1 Chronicles 10
2 Samuel 1-4

Week 3
1 Chronicles 1-2
1 Chronicles 3-5
1 Chronicles 6-8
1 Chronicles 9-10
2 Samuel 5:1-10; 1 Chronicles 11-12

Week 4
2 Samuel 5:11-6:23; 1 Chronicles 13-16
2 Samuel 7; 1 Chronicles 17
2 Samuel 8-9; 1 Chronicles 18
2 Samuel 10; 1 Chronicles 19
2 Samuel 11-10; 1 Chronicles 20

Week 5
2 Samuel 13-15
2 Samuel 16-18
2 Samuel 19-21
2 Samuel 22-23
2 Samuel 24; 1 Chronicles 21-22

Week 6
1 Chronicles 23-25
1 Chronicles 26-29
1 Kings 1-2
1 Kings 3-4; 2 Chronicles 1
1 Kings 5-6; 2 Chronicles 2-3

Week 7
1 Kings 7; 2 Chronicles 4
1 Kings 8; 2 Chronicles 5
2 Chronicles 6-7
1 Kings 9; 2 Chronicles 8
1 Kings 10-11; 2 Chronicles 9

Week 8
1 Kings 12-14
2 Chronicles 10-12
1 Kings 15:1-24; 2 Chronicles 13-16
1 Kings 15:25-16:34; 2 Chronicles 17
1 Kings 17-19

Week 9
1 Kings 20-21
1 Kings 22; 2 Chronicles 18
2 Chronicles 19-23
2 Kings 1-4
2 Kings 5-8

Week 10
2 Kings 9-11
2 Kings 12-13; 2 Chronicles 24
2 Kings 14; 2 Chronicles 25
2 Kings 15; 2 Chronicles 26
2 Chronicles 27

Week 11
2 Chronicles 28; 2 Kings 16-17
2 Kings 18:1-8; 2 Chronicles 19-31
2 Kings 18:9-19:37
2 Kings 20-21
2 Chronicles 32-33

Week 12
2 Kings 22-23
2 Chronicles 34-35
2 Kings 24-25
2 Chronicles 36

I am really excited about this study and I can't wait for Sunday! If you have any questions/comments than please share :)

Eyes Opened

Yesterday I was so excited- my sister bought her plane tickets to fly out here for Christmas and we were making plans. I realized that I LOVE making plans, not just about things in general, or even just vacations, but about my future and I realized too that one of the reasons I've felt so down the past few months is that I am back to having no plans for my future. Then I talked at God for a while.

I told him that it felt like everyone around me was moving forward and that he'd forgotten me here, in the middle of this road, and that I couldn't move anywhere because He wasn't letting me. I told him that I am stuck in a dead-end job and that I really hate telling people about my work because I know that my work is nothing. I have no future in this job with this company and every time I've tried to look at other places the doors slam in my face and I'm stuck lying on my back afraid to move. I told God that I felt like he had no plans for me, that I was just passed over when he was doling out the positions. I told God too that I knew that this was all not Truth; I knew that in my head, but that didn't change how I felt in my heart. (Side note- that is why we are told not to rely on our feelings because they do not reflect Truth, only our own selfish hopes or fears). I asked God to help me refocus because I knew that all of this was a lie but I couldn't find the Truth.

Slowly, as I calmed down and actually started talking WITH God, as opposed to talking AT Him, He showed me his heart. He showed me that I was looking at my life from the world's viewpoint- according to the world, I am stuck in a dead-end job with very little hope for that to be changed and, with those standards, I pretty much am a loser and will continue to be one. But I am not of the world. I have been set apart. God showed me that I have been so focused on trying to do something with my life that I have been blind to what He has been doing through my life. This job that I don't love does not define me, but the work that I do for the Kingdom, and can continue to do because of this job that I don't love, that defines me. I was called to a very specific ministry a long time ago and the only way that I've been able to accomplish that ministry is with the help of this job- the lax hours, the relationship I have with everyone I work with, the high standing I have with my supervisors- all of these things have contributed to my being able to be in youth ministries like Young Life and T6 and have enabled me to go on the missions that I felt called to all those years ago.

I think its ironic that I've been letting my job define me after all of the times these past few months that we've been teaching the teens in our youth to find their identities in Christ. I know that HE is what defines me, I just sometimes lose sight of that and that's not happiness. Thank you my Lord for showing me Truth. Thank you for your patience as I yelled and cried and wallowed before I was able to actually hear you. Thank you for speaking to me through it all, comforting me, cherishing me, guiding me ever down the path to your feet, to your cross. I love you Lord and I know I don't always show it and I know I get distracted by shiny things, but when it all boils down, no matter how shiny the things of the world appear, your love is the one constant that has been in my life, guiding me, keeping me safe, keeping me sane, holding me and never letting go. I know that you are with me Dad, as you always will be. I love you Jesus, thank you.

Stand Together

On Tuesday night I shared some of my testimony with the girls at T6 and included in that was the fact that I wasn't hired by Phoenix Police for the 911 position and that that was a difficult thing for me. On the drive home, Tiffany asked why I didn't tell her about it. I said something along the lines of 'I put it on Facebook...' and then proceeded to tell her that I was uber-depressed about it and didn't want to talk to anyone right after I found out. She reminded me that that was what the 20 Somethings group is for, sharing those struggles.

It's been a few days and what she told me is still resting on my heart so I talked about it some with Gina today. While talking with her I kind of let some things click in my head that I have known for a while subconsciously, but haven't made much effort to bring them to the surface.

I do not intentionally hoard information. For a long time, probably most of my walk with Christ, I've had to figure things out on my own with God. My closest friends moved to other ends of the country and I could only talk to them on the phone occasionally, I wasn't connected to my church, and though my sister and I share a lot with each other, we usually do more of a recap- we talk about them after the events occur. Actually talking with someone while the things are happening is a fairly alien concept for me.

I do not know how to share what I'm going through while I'm going through it. It's really hard for me to put into words what's going on in my head, heart, or spirit until I understand it myself, and usually once I have it understood, it's been laid at God's feet and it's not an active issue anymore. I don't mean to hide my struggles or try to be all noble or self-sacrificing or anything ridiculous like that, I'm just still learning how to share my walk with other people.

These things take time. I guess that's the most annoying part of it all, isn't it? While I was living with my sister or when Gina lived out here in AZ, I relied on them a lot emotionally and they helped me to realize when things weren't quite right with me. Even though I am very good at masking my emotions and craziness, they could always catch it just because they have known me for so long. Without those two, I can go weeks without noticing that something is wrong, or feeling a distinct need to fix it. God has blessed me with two amazing friends that I am so thankful for, Tiffany and Sarah, but they each have only known me for a little over a year and they haven't learned those subtle clues to Michael's Unraveling. I am confident that they will learn over time though :)

So, God has brought us together so that we can stand together (hence the name of the post) and support each other through our struggles, through our lives, helping to carry those burdens that weigh us down, and kneeling at the cross side by side because its all for His glory.

For my friends, I'm sorry that I'm not as transparent as I should probably be. I guess I didn't realize that it was a problem; it's not something I usually think about. But now that I am aware of it, I want to be better. It's hardly ever that I don't want someone to know something, I just don't usually bring it up myself. So if you are ever unsure, please ask. I promise I will never lie to you about what I'm going through and if I really just can't talk about it for whatever reason, I'll tell you that honestly too. I don't want to create walls between us or make life difficult or awkward, so if I'm not sharing or not being transparent or real, call me on it- I don't always know when I'm not.

Lord, you've shown me that is is an issue. Help me change my heart so that I can be the woman you've called me to be. Thanks for being ever patient and loving. I adore you so much.

Michael

Jesus Calling

So, I'm trying to figure this out. I don't feel like I've pulled back behind that wall of self-preservation that I did before, but I know that something's still not right. Today I was working and had a show playing in thee background, just something to listen to while I'm working and keep my mind entertained while I do mind-numbing data entry, and I felt a desperate need to play worship music. So I played worship music and I was the only one in the office so I pulled out my ear-buds and just let the speakers overwhelm the office with the music and it was awesome. Then I felt the need to read my Bible, something I haven't done in a few weeks to be honest. And as soon as I do, the guys come back in the office and some electricians come to do some work and my boss gets out of his meeting so he's here too and people come into the office needing help and the phones are ringing. I remembered that when Jesus was overwhelmed he would pull back to a lonely place to pray so I tried to do that. The second I went to the break room and closed the door, the guys left the office and started calling things in and the electricians needed me to open things for them and the phones started ringing again.

So much is going on around me that I can't seem to focus on any one thing, let alone trying to talk with God about what's happening in my head and heart. I can't even seem to focus on my work tho because my spirit is restless. I know that I need to spend time with Jesus, I can feel that it is the only thing that will bring me peace right now but so much is going on here that I can't focus on him! And I can't figure out what to do to move my focus because I can't just stop working; I can't just ignore the radio/phone calls, I can't not use the cameras and the logs and I need to catch up on my paperwork that is overflowing my desk.

My Lord I hear you calling out to me, trying to make that final pull to get me off my butt and back to where I need to be, with you, but every time I try to answer I get bogged down with the stuff of this world and I can't seem to find a way to break free from it. Help me Jesus, help me to cling to you. Show me your Truth, show me your Word. Show me your heart. Help me to hear your voice, to feel your presence. I do adore you Father, even though my attentions are divided right now. Help me to refocus. Lord give me what I need to get through work today so that I can go home and spend some real time with you today.

Today sucks, fyi...

Okay, so that being said, this probably isn't a very happy post. I just don't know what's going on in my head anymore and, frankly, that worries me. These past few weeks I feel like I've been a walking zombie with no sense of direction or purpose and I really hate this feeling. It sucks.

On Sunday night, God showed me that since I found out about not getting the job with Phoenix, I've put a barrier around my heart so that I can't feel anything. I've been numb. Looking back on that time, He was right- in the last two or so weeks I cannot tell you of anything that I felt in that time. Even events where I should have felt something, like Priscilla's baptism, I didn't. Not in my heart anyways. I knew what I should have felt and I portrayed those emotions, but my heart has been relatively cold these few weeks. I talked with God about it and told him that I didn't want to live my life that way and asked for his help. When I woke up on Monday, I felt joy for the first time in what seemed like ages. It carried over most of the day and the beginning on today; now, I feel like I'm floundering again.

It has been an annoying day. Nothing ridiculous has happened, nothing horrifying by any means, and honestly nothing that should have been that upsetting. My computer has been freaking out so I can't do my work. I've had a relatively non-stop flow of people in and out of the office, the phones have been going crazy, I've been trying to fix my computer, trying to fix my camera systems, trying to keep up with the radio traffic, trying to think about what I'm going to talk about in youth tonight, trying to coordinate to paint in the toddler room, trying to figure out my bills, trying to stay sane while I'm trying to do everything else. Usually I can juggle all of those little balls, but today they are crashing down around me and it's making my headache much worse, let me tell you.

God, I don't want to hide from the world; to build a cocoon around myself in some attempt at self-preservation. I don't want to build walls that keep you out. You began working on them Sunday night and today, when I was actually looking forward to work, looking forward to doing something for You, not for me or for my bosses or for my paycheck, but just because you asked me to, Satan has been at me non-stop and telling him to go away doesn't seem to be helping me all that much. The only thing I've felt all afternoon is annoyance and frustration and I can feel my heart retreating behind that damned wall and I hate it! I don't know how to stop it! And let me say, too, that my boss telling me how valued I am here and how happy he is that I'm not leaving, that just adds to the frustration and anger and annoyance and bitterness, which I didn't even realize until now was a factor. My Lord, take these from me- I give them to you freely and lay them at your cross. Heal me Lord, keep me from coming undone. I feel like I'm flying loose at the seams and I didn't even know that I had seams! Work in my heart Lord, soften it, shape it, change it, make it line up with yours. In your name my lord, amen.