On Tuesday night I shared some of my testimony with the girls at T6 and included in that was the fact that I wasn't hired by Phoenix Police for the 911 position and that that was a difficult thing for me. On the drive home, Tiffany asked why I didn't tell her about it. I said something along the lines of 'I put it on Facebook...' and then proceeded to tell her that I was uber-depressed about it and didn't want to talk to anyone right after I found out. She reminded me that that was what the 20 Somethings group is for, sharing those struggles.
It's been a few days and what she told me is still resting on my heart so I talked about it some with Gina today. While talking with her I kind of let some things click in my head that I have known for a while subconsciously, but haven't made much effort to bring them to the surface.
I do not intentionally hoard information. For a long time, probably most of my walk with Christ, I've had to figure things out on my own with God. My closest friends moved to other ends of the country and I could only talk to them on the phone occasionally, I wasn't connected to my church, and though my sister and I share a lot with each other, we usually do more of a recap- we talk about them after the events occur. Actually talking with someone while the things are happening is a fairly alien concept for me.
I do not know how to share what I'm going through while I'm going through it. It's really hard for me to put into words what's going on in my head, heart, or spirit until I understand it myself, and usually once I have it understood, it's been laid at God's feet and it's not an active issue anymore. I don't mean to hide my struggles or try to be all noble or self-sacrificing or anything ridiculous like that, I'm just still learning how to share my walk with other people.
These things take time. I guess that's the most annoying part of it all, isn't it? While I was living with my sister or when Gina lived out here in AZ, I relied on them a lot emotionally and they helped me to realize when things weren't quite right with me. Even though I am very good at masking my emotions and craziness, they could always catch it just because they have known me for so long. Without those two, I can go weeks without noticing that something is wrong, or feeling a distinct need to fix it. God has blessed me with two amazing friends that I am so thankful for, Tiffany and Sarah, but they each have only known me for a little over a year and they haven't learned those subtle clues to Michael's Unraveling. I am confident that they will learn over time though :)
So, God has brought us together so that we can stand together (hence the name of the post) and support each other through our struggles, through our lives, helping to carry those burdens that weigh us down, and kneeling at the cross side by side because its all for His glory.
For my friends, I'm sorry that I'm not as transparent as I should probably be. I guess I didn't realize that it was a problem; it's not something I usually think about. But now that I am aware of it, I want to be better. It's hardly ever that I don't want someone to know something, I just don't usually bring it up myself. So if you are ever unsure, please ask. I promise I will never lie to you about what I'm going through and if I really just can't talk about it for whatever reason, I'll tell you that honestly too. I don't want to create walls between us or make life difficult or awkward, so if I'm not sharing or not being transparent or real, call me on it- I don't always know when I'm not.
Lord, you've shown me that is is an issue. Help me change my heart so that I can be the woman you've called me to be. Thanks for being ever patient and loving. I adore you so much.
Michael
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Jesus Calling
So, I'm trying to figure this out. I don't feel like I've pulled back behind that wall of self-preservation that I did before, but I know that something's still not right. Today I was working and had a show playing in thee background, just something to listen to while I'm working and keep my mind entertained while I do mind-numbing data entry, and I felt a desperate need to play worship music. So I played worship music and I was the only one in the office so I pulled out my ear-buds and just let the speakers overwhelm the office with the music and it was awesome. Then I felt the need to read my Bible, something I haven't done in a few weeks to be honest. And as soon as I do, the guys come back in the office and some electricians come to do some work and my boss gets out of his meeting so he's here too and people come into the office needing help and the phones are ringing. I remembered that when Jesus was overwhelmed he would pull back to a lonely place to pray so I tried to do that. The second I went to the break room and closed the door, the guys left the office and started calling things in and the electricians needed me to open things for them and the phones started ringing again.
So much is going on around me that I can't seem to focus on any one thing, let alone trying to talk with God about what's happening in my head and heart. I can't even seem to focus on my work tho because my spirit is restless. I know that I need to spend time with Jesus, I can feel that it is the only thing that will bring me peace right now but so much is going on here that I can't focus on him! And I can't figure out what to do to move my focus because I can't just stop working; I can't just ignore the radio/phone calls, I can't not use the cameras and the logs and I need to catch up on my paperwork that is overflowing my desk.
My Lord I hear you calling out to me, trying to make that final pull to get me off my butt and back to where I need to be, with you, but every time I try to answer I get bogged down with the stuff of this world and I can't seem to find a way to break free from it. Help me Jesus, help me to cling to you. Show me your Truth, show me your Word. Show me your heart. Help me to hear your voice, to feel your presence. I do adore you Father, even though my attentions are divided right now. Help me to refocus. Lord give me what I need to get through work today so that I can go home and spend some real time with you today.
So much is going on around me that I can't seem to focus on any one thing, let alone trying to talk with God about what's happening in my head and heart. I can't even seem to focus on my work tho because my spirit is restless. I know that I need to spend time with Jesus, I can feel that it is the only thing that will bring me peace right now but so much is going on here that I can't focus on him! And I can't figure out what to do to move my focus because I can't just stop working; I can't just ignore the radio/phone calls, I can't not use the cameras and the logs and I need to catch up on my paperwork that is overflowing my desk.
My Lord I hear you calling out to me, trying to make that final pull to get me off my butt and back to where I need to be, with you, but every time I try to answer I get bogged down with the stuff of this world and I can't seem to find a way to break free from it. Help me Jesus, help me to cling to you. Show me your Truth, show me your Word. Show me your heart. Help me to hear your voice, to feel your presence. I do adore you Father, even though my attentions are divided right now. Help me to refocus. Lord give me what I need to get through work today so that I can go home and spend some real time with you today.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Today sucks, fyi...
Okay, so that being said, this probably isn't a very happy post. I just don't know what's going on in my head anymore and, frankly, that worries me. These past few weeks I feel like I've been a walking zombie with no sense of direction or purpose and I really hate this feeling. It sucks.
On Sunday night, God showed me that since I found out about not getting the job with Phoenix, I've put a barrier around my heart so that I can't feel anything. I've been numb. Looking back on that time, He was right- in the last two or so weeks I cannot tell you of anything that I felt in that time. Even events where I should have felt something, like Priscilla's baptism, I didn't. Not in my heart anyways. I knew what I should have felt and I portrayed those emotions, but my heart has been relatively cold these few weeks. I talked with God about it and told him that I didn't want to live my life that way and asked for his help. When I woke up on Monday, I felt joy for the first time in what seemed like ages. It carried over most of the day and the beginning on today; now, I feel like I'm floundering again.
It has been an annoying day. Nothing ridiculous has happened, nothing horrifying by any means, and honestly nothing that should have been that upsetting. My computer has been freaking out so I can't do my work. I've had a relatively non-stop flow of people in and out of the office, the phones have been going crazy, I've been trying to fix my computer, trying to fix my camera systems, trying to keep up with the radio traffic, trying to think about what I'm going to talk about in youth tonight, trying to coordinate to paint in the toddler room, trying to figure out my bills, trying to stay sane while I'm trying to do everything else. Usually I can juggle all of those little balls, but today they are crashing down around me and it's making my headache much worse, let me tell you.
God, I don't want to hide from the world; to build a cocoon around myself in some attempt at self-preservation. I don't want to build walls that keep you out. You began working on them Sunday night and today, when I was actually looking forward to work, looking forward to doing something for You, not for me or for my bosses or for my paycheck, but just because you asked me to, Satan has been at me non-stop and telling him to go away doesn't seem to be helping me all that much. The only thing I've felt all afternoon is annoyance and frustration and I can feel my heart retreating behind that damned wall and I hate it! I don't know how to stop it! And let me say, too, that my boss telling me how valued I am here and how happy he is that I'm not leaving, that just adds to the frustration and anger and annoyance and bitterness, which I didn't even realize until now was a factor. My Lord, take these from me- I give them to you freely and lay them at your cross. Heal me Lord, keep me from coming undone. I feel like I'm flying loose at the seams and I didn't even know that I had seams! Work in my heart Lord, soften it, shape it, change it, make it line up with yours. In your name my lord, amen.
On Sunday night, God showed me that since I found out about not getting the job with Phoenix, I've put a barrier around my heart so that I can't feel anything. I've been numb. Looking back on that time, He was right- in the last two or so weeks I cannot tell you of anything that I felt in that time. Even events where I should have felt something, like Priscilla's baptism, I didn't. Not in my heart anyways. I knew what I should have felt and I portrayed those emotions, but my heart has been relatively cold these few weeks. I talked with God about it and told him that I didn't want to live my life that way and asked for his help. When I woke up on Monday, I felt joy for the first time in what seemed like ages. It carried over most of the day and the beginning on today; now, I feel like I'm floundering again.
It has been an annoying day. Nothing ridiculous has happened, nothing horrifying by any means, and honestly nothing that should have been that upsetting. My computer has been freaking out so I can't do my work. I've had a relatively non-stop flow of people in and out of the office, the phones have been going crazy, I've been trying to fix my computer, trying to fix my camera systems, trying to keep up with the radio traffic, trying to think about what I'm going to talk about in youth tonight, trying to coordinate to paint in the toddler room, trying to figure out my bills, trying to stay sane while I'm trying to do everything else. Usually I can juggle all of those little balls, but today they are crashing down around me and it's making my headache much worse, let me tell you.
God, I don't want to hide from the world; to build a cocoon around myself in some attempt at self-preservation. I don't want to build walls that keep you out. You began working on them Sunday night and today, when I was actually looking forward to work, looking forward to doing something for You, not for me or for my bosses or for my paycheck, but just because you asked me to, Satan has been at me non-stop and telling him to go away doesn't seem to be helping me all that much. The only thing I've felt all afternoon is annoyance and frustration and I can feel my heart retreating behind that damned wall and I hate it! I don't know how to stop it! And let me say, too, that my boss telling me how valued I am here and how happy he is that I'm not leaving, that just adds to the frustration and anger and annoyance and bitterness, which I didn't even realize until now was a factor. My Lord, take these from me- I give them to you freely and lay them at your cross. Heal me Lord, keep me from coming undone. I feel like I'm flying loose at the seams and I didn't even know that I had seams! Work in my heart Lord, soften it, shape it, change it, make it line up with yours. In your name my lord, amen.
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