Okay, so that being said, this probably isn't a very happy post. I just don't know what's going on in my head anymore and, frankly, that worries me. These past few weeks I feel like I've been a walking zombie with no sense of direction or purpose and I really hate this feeling. It sucks.
On Sunday night, God showed me that since I found out about not getting the job with Phoenix, I've put a barrier around my heart so that I can't feel anything. I've been numb. Looking back on that time, He was right- in the last two or so weeks I cannot tell you of anything that I felt in that time. Even events where I should have felt something, like Priscilla's baptism, I didn't. Not in my heart anyways. I knew what I should have felt and I portrayed those emotions, but my heart has been relatively cold these few weeks. I talked with God about it and told him that I didn't want to live my life that way and asked for his help. When I woke up on Monday, I felt joy for the first time in what seemed like ages. It carried over most of the day and the beginning on today; now, I feel like I'm floundering again.
It has been an annoying day. Nothing ridiculous has happened, nothing horrifying by any means, and honestly nothing that should have been that upsetting. My computer has been freaking out so I can't do my work. I've had a relatively non-stop flow of people in and out of the office, the phones have been going crazy, I've been trying to fix my computer, trying to fix my camera systems, trying to keep up with the radio traffic, trying to think about what I'm going to talk about in youth tonight, trying to coordinate to paint in the toddler room, trying to figure out my bills, trying to stay sane while I'm trying to do everything else. Usually I can juggle all of those little balls, but today they are crashing down around me and it's making my headache much worse, let me tell you.
God, I don't want to hide from the world; to build a cocoon around myself in some attempt at self-preservation. I don't want to build walls that keep you out. You began working on them Sunday night and today, when I was actually looking forward to work, looking forward to doing something for You, not for me or for my bosses or for my paycheck, but just because you asked me to, Satan has been at me non-stop and telling him to go away doesn't seem to be helping me all that much. The only thing I've felt all afternoon is annoyance and frustration and I can feel my heart retreating behind that damned wall and I hate it! I don't know how to stop it! And let me say, too, that my boss telling me how valued I am here and how happy he is that I'm not leaving, that just adds to the frustration and anger and annoyance and bitterness, which I didn't even realize until now was a factor. My Lord, take these from me- I give them to you freely and lay them at your cross. Heal me Lord, keep me from coming undone. I feel like I'm flying loose at the seams and I didn't even know that I had seams! Work in my heart Lord, soften it, shape it, change it, make it line up with yours. In your name my lord, amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment