Stand Together

On Tuesday night I shared some of my testimony with the girls at T6 and included in that was the fact that I wasn't hired by Phoenix Police for the 911 position and that that was a difficult thing for me. On the drive home, Tiffany asked why I didn't tell her about it. I said something along the lines of 'I put it on Facebook...' and then proceeded to tell her that I was uber-depressed about it and didn't want to talk to anyone right after I found out. She reminded me that that was what the 20 Somethings group is for, sharing those struggles.

It's been a few days and what she told me is still resting on my heart so I talked about it some with Gina today. While talking with her I kind of let some things click in my head that I have known for a while subconsciously, but haven't made much effort to bring them to the surface.

I do not intentionally hoard information. For a long time, probably most of my walk with Christ, I've had to figure things out on my own with God. My closest friends moved to other ends of the country and I could only talk to them on the phone occasionally, I wasn't connected to my church, and though my sister and I share a lot with each other, we usually do more of a recap- we talk about them after the events occur. Actually talking with someone while the things are happening is a fairly alien concept for me.

I do not know how to share what I'm going through while I'm going through it. It's really hard for me to put into words what's going on in my head, heart, or spirit until I understand it myself, and usually once I have it understood, it's been laid at God's feet and it's not an active issue anymore. I don't mean to hide my struggles or try to be all noble or self-sacrificing or anything ridiculous like that, I'm just still learning how to share my walk with other people.

These things take time. I guess that's the most annoying part of it all, isn't it? While I was living with my sister or when Gina lived out here in AZ, I relied on them a lot emotionally and they helped me to realize when things weren't quite right with me. Even though I am very good at masking my emotions and craziness, they could always catch it just because they have known me for so long. Without those two, I can go weeks without noticing that something is wrong, or feeling a distinct need to fix it. God has blessed me with two amazing friends that I am so thankful for, Tiffany and Sarah, but they each have only known me for a little over a year and they haven't learned those subtle clues to Michael's Unraveling. I am confident that they will learn over time though :)

So, God has brought us together so that we can stand together (hence the name of the post) and support each other through our struggles, through our lives, helping to carry those burdens that weigh us down, and kneeling at the cross side by side because its all for His glory.

For my friends, I'm sorry that I'm not as transparent as I should probably be. I guess I didn't realize that it was a problem; it's not something I usually think about. But now that I am aware of it, I want to be better. It's hardly ever that I don't want someone to know something, I just don't usually bring it up myself. So if you are ever unsure, please ask. I promise I will never lie to you about what I'm going through and if I really just can't talk about it for whatever reason, I'll tell you that honestly too. I don't want to create walls between us or make life difficult or awkward, so if I'm not sharing or not being transparent or real, call me on it- I don't always know when I'm not.

Lord, you've shown me that is is an issue. Help me change my heart so that I can be the woman you've called me to be. Thanks for being ever patient and loving. I adore you so much.

Michael